I Survived…..What’s next?

As a kid, I survived the most horrific time of my life. Once I became an adult and free from my abuser….I went out into the world and did the best that I could in order to keep surviving. What exactly is survival?

Oxford Dictionary defines Survival as the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically despite an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstance. Also defined as the propensity of something to continue existing, particularly when this is done despite conditions that might kill or destroy it.

My childhood nearly destroyed me. I was abused by my biological father. (SN: The man I refer to today as my father is NOT my abuser.) Abuse including sexual molestation, physical abuse, verbal, mental and emotional abuse. This went on from the ages of 8 years old until I was 18 years old.

When I became an adult, life hit me hard. I was diagnosed with PTSD and an anxiety disorder. I suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I was traumatized in more ways than one and I had no idea how to stop the pain except for using unhealthy coping mechanisms such as sexual promiscuity and lots of alcohol. Anything to numb the pain. Delete the memories, suppress the thoughts. For years, I got up every single day and I survived. I don’t know how but I did. It was almost like I was completely outside of my mind, and I didn’t care what happened to me. I did not believe I had anything to live for. Until I got pregnant with my son David. Honestly, he was the only reason why I kept surviving. God knew I would never leave him behind.

By the time I was 25 years old, I had a 3-year-old son by a man I barely knew, and I was divorced from another man who not only cheated on me but verbally and emotionally abused me until I had had enough and left.

I didn’t marry again until I was 36 years old and my son 13. But before I found my now husband, I suffered several bad relationships in which some were very much verbally and emotionally abusive. It took many years of therapy and self-evolution to figure out my self-worth and demand the respect that I deserve.

I am in a much different place now. However, I still have a long way to go as far as my healing journey.

I know this was a lot to take in and you’re probably wondering why I’m sharing something so intimate. To be honest, I’m so over hiding my shit under a rug. What happened to me was not my fault and I will no longer carry any shame. I’ve decided that I want to share with others because I know there are a lot of women that have suffered from abuse and have had to keep quiet about it. Unfortunately, keeping quiet about it or pretending like it didn’t happen, doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it rears its ugly head out in several different ways even if it’s passive aggressive behavior.

I want every woman that has suffered and been through what I’ve been through to know…that there’s so much hope and healthy living on the other side. Had I given up on myself, I would’ve missed out on so many things that God blessed me with, that in turn made my life so much more fulfilling despite of my past.

I realized that my past doesn’t have to define me, and it certainly doesn’t have to determine my life moving forward.

I wish I could tell you that I am completely healed and over everything that has happened to me but that would be a lie. I’m still on this healing journey. I still get triggered, I still cry, I still have an anxiety disorder, I still have nightmares and I still struggle with trusting people. Like I said, I still have a long way to go.

However, I did survive right, so what’s next?

Well, to be honest, what’s next for me is to keep healing. Each and every day. I’ve come a lonnnnng way. Being able to identify my flaws, working on healthy coping mechanisms and being determined to LIVE and not just survive, has truly made life much more meaningful!

I don’t know what you’re going through today or what you’ve been through, but I would love for you to join me on my journey to becoming healed and whole despite our circumstances.

Will you join me? I promise to be with you every step of the way.

Just know that you are not alone. We are in this together. Until next time.

Love Always,

Your sister, your friend and just….someone to heal alongside with.